Unspoken

Unending Grace and Splitting KitKats

2011-07-02T22:17:00.006+08:00

Okay, along with shoes and paperbags with hangers, I also have a bunch of papers lying around in the office. Piles of books and cases scattered on almost every part of the condo. And I can't remember the last time I wore jeans and chucks. It's been almost a month since I started attending law school, and most of the time, I feel like a headless chicken running around town. Everything looks like a mess.

The insane part about all that? I'm loving it. I try harder to get to work early and push myself to do better and get things done on time. I'm trying to get back in the discipline of reading. Highlighters and pens are a part of my bag again. There's so much to do and ... you just do it. Keep moving. And at the end of the day, I feel great. TIRED. But great.

I see God's grace everyday. Because I honestly don't know how I survived four weeks without that great a spirit.

So in short - it's chaos - but I'm in love with it.

P.S. Other things that aid in managing stress: playstation 3, tumblr, pinterest, and ...well...food.

What?! I eat when I'm upset okay!

And yes, I did put on weight - but who can say no to fluffy scrambled eggs and grilled tomatoes with pandesal coupled with coffee on a peaceful Sunday morning?!

That's right! No one! So get off my case! :P

Calm down, have a gummy bear! :)

A Simple Discussion

2011-06-17T17:15:00.003+08:00

I loved how our professor in Persons and Family Relations summarized Article 26 of the Civil Code of the Philippines.

Art. 26 Civil Code	My Professor
Every person shall respect the dignity, personality, privacy and peace of mind of his neighbors and other persons. The following and similar acts, though they may not constitute a criminal offense, shall produce a cause of action for damages, prevention and other relief:	*"Yan yung mga.."*
(1) Prying into the privacy of another's residence:	*"Tsismosa.."*
(2) Meddling with or disturbing the private life or family relations of another;	*"Pakialamera…"*
(3) Intriguing to cause another to be alienated from his friends;	*"Intriguera at…"*
(4) Vexing or humiliating another on account of his religious beliefs, lowly station in life, place of birth, physical defect, or other personal condition.	*"… Mapanlait."*

Well said, your honor.

A Second Chance with the One That Got Away

2011-06-16T15:25:00.001+08:00

Back in High School, it was only a dream. I was young and naïve and it was too early to pursue seriously. We officially met in college, but after four years of dancing back and forth, all that tension and sleepless nights, days when I was simply fed up with everything, I realized I wasn’t ready for such a commitment. Now, after 5 years of wondering and asking myself what if – we, or I, decided to give us a shot once more. So, this month, finally, I enrolled myself to law school. :D

Kidding aside, I am dead serious about this. I can’t even put it in words how much I want to be a lawyer. I’ve given it what I consider sufficient time to think about and after all these years, if I’m still thinking about it, I figured it’s worth something. More than the financial burden, I know the commitment, the time, and the effort it will take to get through four years of studying again, that while continuing to work. It’s nerve-racking to think about, but I still want to do it. Nothing worth something is ever easy. And if you want something bad enough, the risks won’t matter.

I’m not even thinking about 4 years. I’m looking at this one day at a time and one subject at a time. Hoping I won’t notice the time go by. I’m well aware of my own weaknesses, but I’m hoping, as always, that God will work through me like he’s always done.

As with all relationships, there is a risk of failure, but, atleast for now, I’m not focusing on that. I think right now I’m okay with the thought that whatever happens in the next few years, I can look back to this day and say to myself that ultimately, I tried.

Remember the Little Things

2011-05-11T13:25:00.005+08:00

It was about a week after my sisters had their braces put in and they still couldn't eat properly. I went through braces in High School and I remember how awful it was to eat the first few weeks. All of us being such foodies, I felt terrible seeing them have a hard time eating - mincing their food, barely chewing. It's been a while since I last saw them enjoy a meal.

So one night, I got them one of our favorite candies. I don't really know its name but its little pieces of strawberry-flavored chocolate that melts in your mouth so you don't have to chew them. One of them, her face lit up when I handed her the treats. I just sat with her as she enjoyed her chocolate and we silently watched TV together...

"You made my whole week", she suddenly said.

I turned to her just in time to see her smile, then giggle, then laugh - with a mouthful of metal and melted goodness. - the first time I've seen her smile in days.

And that was it.

I felt a million times better that night.

It was probably some random thing she said, like the way you say "I love you" when someone gives you good news. But to me, that was the best part of my day so far. Forget the work. Forget the worries. Forget how people can be so senseless and incredibly thickheaded.

There's something about the smile on that innocent kid's face that made every burden suddenly... immaterial.

That or chocolate IS really the answer to everything and I really am just being "mababaw".

Tomorrow, I'm making waffles!!!

2011-05-09T11:45:00.004+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, the end of decent conversations and my productivity as I know it...

There's a reason I avoid playing video games. It's because once I start, I get very addicted to it. And the gamer blood runs in the family. I swear, even my mom was hooked on Tetris at some point.

We stopped buying consoles after PS2. I have now forgotten why. I've been so out of the loop in terms of gaming that I have no idea what kind of games are in now, or what's the latest in the Final Fantasy series? hahaha.

First impression on the new baby: can I make waffles with it? PS3 Fatty has our full attention now, from the time we were checking it out in the store to finally laying it down to its cradle on the sofa.

And like an evil little devil, setting to devour both my idle and precious time, it sits there - calling me ...

My sister and her new braces

2011-04-29T15:02:00.002+08:00

*New braces = no real food for days... among other adjustments...

She rolled on the bed, sadly*

Mai: I'm thad [sad]. Thats why I roll.

Me: Don't lisp when you talk.

Mai: Wha?

Me: Lisp!

Mai: Lithp?

Me: Yeah, Lisp.

[she stares at me]

Me: Say "super!"

Mai: Thuper!

Biting my tounge and Just ... Smiling

2011-04-24T20:28:00.000+08:00

I knew it.

I should've ditched the extra shirts and brought an extra load of self-esteem for the weekend.

O well, they don't call it "penitensya" for nothing.

As time passes, I'm learning to love who I am, what I wear, the color of my nails, and my little quirks. There's a lot more to learn, I know. But i realized, I never really remember most things force on me out of fear, out of humiliation, or peer pressure.

I am blessed enough to have people around me - real people - that appreciate me and take time to see who I am, the things I value, and what matters most.

I am what I am, growing in God's time, thanks to His grace, and bounded by His security and love.

- That's holy week for ya'.

God Bless and be kind to one another! :)

Should've used the postal service

2011-04-01T01:30:00.003+08:00

Time: 1:17 am

What happened?

I just needed to send ONE email before 12am today. ONE EMAIL... ONE!
Tried sending out the email starting at 11:40pm.
The internet connects, then disconnects.
The internet connects, Gmail connects, then disconnects.
The internet connects, Gmail connects, Gmail times out because its loading too slow.
Gmail connects, I start typing up the email, press send > Gmail times out.
Restart connection, repeat aforementioned hellish nightmare.
There are more variations to this but the bottom line is simple: My internet connection SUCKS!!!
I have done all possible ways to fix it, directly and indirectly, including screaming onto a pillow and slamming my hand on the laptop a few times.
I never thought the Internet would be capable of making me cry like this. Yes, after more than an hour of all that, I did cry.

Ugh. So tired and frustrated and drained.

Time: 1:32am

As Cap'n Jack Sparrow once said: Gentlemen, I wash my hands off this weirdness.

Falling with Style

2011-03-30T08:46:00.004+08:00

Just one of those things I know I'll regret writing after I've posted it...

But hey, if you can't express it here, where can you?

Just tired. Expectations. Trying. Failing. Trying again. Failing again.

I guess I'm not one of those who can come up with something fresh within a matter of hours. A decent, non repetitive piece on an EOD basis. Hey, I can give you something neat enough, but it'll start looking familiar after a couple of days.

Sometimes I think the bar has been set too high, sometimes I think I'm not as smart as everybody else. Sometimes I think I'm just plain stupid.

The problem with setting your mind to follow the rules: the slightest mistake, kills your momentum. And every single struggle that will follow will be all about getting it right over and over and over again - until that's the only thing that's left. RULES. Forget the goal. Stick with the rules. You break one, you break 'em all. And then... you're done.

Whatever. I don't think I can hit a target I can't see. I'll just keep shooting and hope for the best.

You Can't Please Everybody

2011-03-18T18:55:00.003+08:00

"For those who understand, explanation is not necessary. For those who don't want to understand, explanation is not possible. For those wanting to understand, experiencing the explanation helps."

Live for the audience of ONE.

The 6th of March

2011-03-07T10:06:00.003+08:00

"...I hope this makes you smile, I hope you're happy with my life

At peace with every choice I made, how I've changed along the way

'Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams

And I owe it all to you..."

(Mama - Il Divo)

Norma Sotto Ochoa

12.16.33 - 03.06.99

Psalm 27:4

One thing I ask from the LORD,

this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD

all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the LORD

and to seek him in his temple.

Dear Lola,
Your faith will always be inspiration. I miss you.

Love,
Kc

Redemption Sunday

2011-02-27T23:11:00.001+08:00

I've learned all of us don't deserve second chances. We are all a mess and quite screwed up.

I've learned second chances are pieces of redemption you don't ask for. No one in their right mind will give them to you, especially after they've been hurt.

I've learned second chances are never about anybody else. Mistakes hurt people, but they do the most damage to your soul.

So no, you don't deserve a second chance and no, it won't come from anyone. You take it. You claim it. You take it yourself. For yourself.

When you need it bad enough, when you want it bad enough, you'll find it's already yours.

The 2010 Unforgivable List

2011-02-19T13:29:00.005+08:00

I missed out on a lot of great movies last year and being a movie buff, that felt so wrong. Our DVD player broke down mid-year and nobody found the need to replace it. So it was December of last year when I took my sisters out and bought a DVD player and TONS of DVDs. I got so excited I bought a DVD of every film I missed last year. It's my goal to finish watching them really soon.

~~Toy Story 3~~
~~Scott Pilgrim vs. The World~~
~~Kick Ass~~
~~Red~~
~~An Education~~
The Social Network
Inception
Black Swan
~~Easy A~~
Buried

Other stuff I got:

How to Train Your Dragon
The Time Traveler's Wife
Julie & Julia
Love Actually

The ladies of ACP.CPY were sweet enough to also get me the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy for my birthday. I've seen them all but it's the special features I'm after: *thanks very much girls!

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of The Black Pearl
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Next on the must-have list:

The West Wing box set
Gilmore Girls box set
The Big Bang Theory box set
When Harry Met Sally
Seinfeld
The American President
Back To The Future Trilogy

I just had to write these down so I don't forget :D . I have a feeling I'll be needing another DVD player and another TV before the year ends.

Best Advice

2011-02-15T00:20:00.001+08:00

FRIEND: i dont know how to make you feel better but if you need to rant im here

Me: hahaha wala - i dont know... nainis ako kanina.. kasi I was really feeling bad- I know naman. may iba pang school may iba pang chance - the thing is.. when I took the test they were all - okay na yan! pasado yan!

Me: kahit sila rin naman nag expect, pano pa kaya ako di ba

Me: it feels like everything is wrong. my exam was wrong - my decisions were wrong. Now, even what I feel about all that is wrong.

Me: Should I be crying about an exam? Maybe not. But im not crying just because of that eh. Im crying for all those times I psyched myself into thinking that was it, its in the bag. and the possibility na hindi sya for me. And thats the only thing Im holding on to that Im sure about.

Me: Its not just an exam.

Me: and i know - i know the next step. but can I be sad? can i feel bad about it? like a mourning period?

Me: This is something Ive been waiting to have a chance on for almost 4 years. something ive been thinking about for 4 years - its a setback - but its huge pa rin. Di pwedeng maging sad? dapat smile lang? dapat tawa lang.

Me: I dont get it, why people say - wag ka ma-sad. I think im entitled to what I feel - pati ba naman yun, mali pa rin.

Me: so tawa na lang, ngiti na lang ako parang tanga. Im just gonna keep that inside, till it eats me up.

Me: Im gonna go. im gonna try again - I just..

Me: syempre im still upset.

FRIEND: dont force it

FRIEND: just feel what you wanna feel

FRIEND: it'll pass soon

Me: argh

Me: you think im wrong?

FRIEND: for feeling like that?

FRIEND: nah. you're entitled to it

FRIEND: you're not normal if you can move on agad

FRIEND: just means you cared about it that much

Me: THANK YOU

FRIEND: bakit all caps? may galit ka? hahaha

FRIEND: YOU'RE WELCOME.

Me: hahaha

Me: wala lang

Me: i just need someone to tell me im okay for feeling this way

FRIEND: dont worry about it. feel like shit if you want, it's your right

Me: 4 yrs. naipon to that day - and I just needed someone to say = go ahead,. feel like that muna. bounce back pero its okay to feel like that

Me: I feel like a total loser for failing already - tapos pati sa pakiramdam ko, mali pa rin.

FRIEND: nah, that's normal. go ahead.

FRIEND: it's ok to feel bad. just means you care.

FRIEND: that's what happens when we care about something

FRIEND: it f*** us up. that's when we know we care about it

FRIEND: haaha

Me: hahahaha

FRIEND: go lang, feel like crap

FRIEND: best advice ba?

FRIEND: "go lang, feel like crap."

Me: yeah

In five years, will this matter?

2011-02-13T21:07:00.000+08:00

"Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’"
-Regina Brett

And the answer is YES.

What now?

Got to keep moving.

Sources here:
img1 img2

Bro, Dude, Pre, Buddy, Stranger

2011-02-10T19:05:00.001+08:00

I'm so confused X|

Laughing With Them, At Them

2011-02-08T23:30:00.002+08:00

The following are conversations with my sisters and mom. The best part of my day so far.

***The Wig***

I took home a blonde wig I borrowed from a friend because Mai wanted to do a bit of cosplay.

Tara tries on the wig by the mirror while Mai and I talk -

Tara: Kaya mo lang fine-friends yung friends ni ate kasi may kailangan ka.

Me: (looks at Mai for an answer)

Mai: Hindi ah! Wala naman ako kailangan kay Maki

Tara: Who the hell is Maki?!

****

Mai is trying on the wig upstairs while Tara and I sit at the sala

Tara: She's enjoying the moment...can I kill her?

Me: No, let her be happy, for once.

Tara: (whispers) I can't... its a habit for me...

Me: A habit for you?

Tara: No, its not a habit pala... its....inhuman.

Me: It's inhuman for you to let your sister be happy?

Tara: Yes!

****

Mai comes down wearing the wig.

Mai: Ang ganda naman nito san nya binili to?

Tara: (with a straight face) - Hindi niya binili yan. May horse sya tapos kinuha lang nya yung tail.

(Mai and I both stared at Tara - still serious)

Mai: Weh! May blonde ba na horse?! Di ba black lang and brown yun?

Me: *laughs* You know what's worse? Pinatulan mo na nga, ginatungan mo pa! Hahahaha!

(Mai walks away)

Tara: Bahala ka, you're wearing a horse's butt!.... ay tail pala.

**** The Concert ****

Tara and I were talking about the upcoming Kpop concert she wants to go to.

Me: You know I'm still paying for last year, right?

Tara: **in her baby voice** But I'm happyyyy. I was happyyyyy. You made me happpyyyyy..

Me: Can I tell you a secret?

Tara: Noooo... I'm happyyyyy....

Me: Years from now, five or ten years from now...

Tara: No...happpyyyyyyy

Me: When you're an adult, you're gonna look back at this day. And you'll want to punch yourself for this, for liking them.

Tara: *goes serious* The only thing I will regret is if I liked BIEBER! And I didn't!!! So I'm not regretful! So Im happpyyyyy!!!

****

Me: When's the concert? This month?

Tara: Yeah, di ba? The day after prom! Sabi ko sayo, di ba? - I'll be the saddest girl in prom!

****

Tara: Mommy, papayagan mo ba ko pumunta sa concert?

Mom: Hindi nga pwede! Pano kung may makatabi kang adik dun?

Tara: Mga adik talaga makakatabi ko dun!

*high five*

**** The Soap Opera ****

Mai watched Mara Clara in my room while Tara and I talk downstairs

Mai: Ka-sayaw ni Mara si Sam Milby!!!

(both of us ignore her)

Mai: Oh! Kanina si Sam, ngayon si Enchong Dee naman!!!

(Tara starts to march upstairs to my room)

Tara: Ano bang klaseng Mara Clara yang pinapanood mo?!

**** The Name ****

Mom: Alam mo, ang ibig sabihin ng Kara is happiness. Mara is bitterness.

Me: Eh Tara?

Mom:....*smiles* Sweet and sour.. hehe..

LOL!

****

Tara is ranting about her name

Tara: Tapos sa school, may tumawag sa akin na "Katrina", Hay nako!

Us: *laughing* O, anong problema?

Mai: Ako nga tinatawag na Isabelle.

(Tara stares at her)

Tara: Katrina- Isabelle. Katrina - Isabelle. Katrina - Isabelle Pareho ba?

Mai: *laughs*

Tara: May tumawag na ba sayo na Katrina? ...Siguro nga wala, di ba?

Us: *laughs*

Tara: Parang ang taray kasi ng Katrina.

Mai: Hindi kaya! Mas mataray yung Tara.

Tara: yung Tara parang balbal na salita (salitang kanto) - pwede mo isali sa lipunan...

Us: HA?!!! *ROFL*

Don't Believe Me

2011-02-07T20:12:00.002+08:00

I don't think I'm that free to do or say what I want. And sometimes, holding back expresses the exact opposite of what I really feel.

When all I want to do is scream and yell, and say the worst of words to wake somebody out of their negative state, I stop. I watch my words. My words are my responsibility and my actions are a reflection of my character. So I smile, I keep my cool, and I focus on what needs to be done, taking out every single emotion out of each letter.

And when all I want is to reach out, smile, give someone a pat at the back, a hug, or quite simply- be around. I pause to consider what the norm should be and what should be followed. So I look away and I dismiss such thoughts.

Being so guarded and careful is tiring - most people don't really care about these things - they do whatever they want -are they better understood?

Hold back and bottle it all up. I wonder what will happen when I spill.

Go on and save yourself, take it out on me

2011-02-07T15:58:00.002+08:00

Tired of cleaning everybody else's mess.

Churning out answers for everybody else's problems.

Need someone to trust you? Go ahead, lie to me.

Could use a bit of cheering up? Sure, here's a wide smile.

Feel like running? I'll cover you.

If it get's too loud, I won't say a word. If they all walk away, I'll still be standing here. At the moment they hurl insults, you wont hear one from me.

I'll hold the line, without knowing what's behind it.

I'll stand my post so you can be everywhere.

Go ahead and fall down, you know I'm your safety net.

Feel free and use me. You know I can't break you. I couldn't if I wanted to.

I got your back.

Do you have mine?

Did you ever?

What is a Happy Week?

2011-02-06T20:52:00.000+08:00

Sunday: A little bit of vanity goes a long way.

Monday: A little bit of coffee with an old friend, talking and laughing about absolutely nothing

Tuesday: Spontaneously buying nail polish after weeks of nail rehab - ORLY: Soulmate

Wednesday: Dining out with friends and trying something new (Almon Marina's stuffed porkchop, FTW!)

Thursday: Discovering and rediscovering the music of The White Stripes and She & Him

Friday: A long coffee break with officemates struggling to fight the awkward silence

Saturday: White Pizza, seafood pasta, and green mangoes

Sunday: A family complete for a grandfather's 75 years in God's amazing grace... and too much M&M's.

Move!

2011-02-04T18:11:00.000+08:00

It was never about getting it right the first time or not having complications along the way.

It's about doing what you have to do. Doing what you need to do.

It's about not crying in a pathetic little corner, calling yourself the victim all the time.

It's about owning up to your own flaws, instead of finding every little excuse to cover them.

It's about making mistakes, but taking responsibility instead of running away.

It's about finding solutions and not staring at the problem, waiting for something to step in.

It's about not acting like a baby and growing up.

Don't cry over spilled milk, get a mop and clean up your own mess!

Because You Said I'll Make It

2011-02-01T18:21:00.000+08:00

I laughed and smiled when nothing went well

I rolled with the punches

I looked towards the extraordinary

When it could not be imagined

Against an endless sea of words

I opened my eyes, my hands and more

Braved things through

brushed off the risks

All because you said, believe.

Now, I'm gone

All out of wishes

But please

Once in a while

Let my faith be rewarded.

What can separate me now

2011-01-30T14:42:00.000+08:00

Oh Lord You've searched me

You know my ways

Even when I fail You

I know You love me

Your holy presence

Surrounding me

In every season

I know You love me

Chorus

At the cross I bow my knee

Where Your blood was shed for me

There's no greater love than this

You have overcome the grave

Glory fills the highest place

What can separate me now?

You tore the veil

You made a way

When You said that it is done

And when the earth fades

falls from my eyes

You stand before me

I know You love me

Drifting

2011-01-22T23:50:00.000+08:00

"I wouldn't hate you if you made mistakes. I'd hate you for not trying."

Next time, I promise we'll be perfect

2011-01-14T22:09:00.000+08:00

The song that officially ended my boyband phase -

I Feel Infinite

2011-01-13T19:06:00.000+08:00

These are a bunch of quotes taken from The Perks of Being a Wallflower...

I guess this means I have to read my copy really soon.

Its so much easier not to know things sometimes.
Things change, and friends leave, and life doesn't stop for anybody.
I wanted to laugh or maybe get mad or maybe shrug at how strange everyone was, especially me.
I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life,
and then make the choice to share it with other people.
You cant just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours,
and think that counts as love. You just can't.
You have to do things.
I'm going to do what I want to do.
I'm going to be who I really am.
And I'm going to figure out what that is.
And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other,
and blame alot of people for what they did or what they didn't do or didn't know.
I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame.
It's just different.
Maybe its good to put things in perspective,
but sometimes I think that the only perspective is to really be there.
Because it's okay to feel things,
and be who you are about them.
I was really there and that was enough to make me feel infinite.
I feel infinite.

Just Keep Your Head Above

2011-01-10T12:07:00.001+08:00

Every Survival 101 playlist should have this track -

It's beautiful. :)

The currents will pull us away from our love

Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn

Memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun

A crack in the armor, yeah

I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun

Choking on saltwater

I'm not giving in, swim.

You're No Help At All

2011-01-04T15:09:00.002+08:00

People have been calling me "emo" lately. You know, if I could be genuinely happy - why in the world would I choose to be sad? Who in their right mind would do that?

Do you stand in front of a fire and call it "fire"? Or do you put it out? - I know what I feel because I'm there. I don't need a reminder.

And being sad does not mean you're emo. I don't know exactly what emo is, but I don't think I'm that insane to choose to be miserable just so I can join that bandwagon. That's just stupid.

The last thing I need is to be labeled according to my emotions instead of being helped out of them.

Buzz off.

Facebook Deactivated

2011-01-02T21:00:00.001+08:00

Don't ask - Won't tell.

Thank you for my 2010

2010-12-31T11:50:00.002+08:00

***My 2010***

Watched fireworks from the balcony of my Lolo's home in Bulacan

Informed my former boss of my resignation - on my birthday

Took sister1 to a Paramore concert, my gift for her high school graduation.

Gave sister2 her 15th birthday present - the most expensive set of concert tickets ever

Went to the first ACP Team Building in Cavite - my first office outing - and my first shot of tequila

Waited nearly 6 hours to vote. Candidate didn't win - but I'm fine with it

Made a bet with an officemate and lost - had a fun breakfast anyway.

Accomplished first task as a writer -received first CAR (error) on said task - received full support of team on said CAR

Found out there's somebody out there with the same first name as me - Czarina Kara

Wine Night at Barcino with ACP Writers

4PM "Meryenda" with ACP at Spicy Fingers - went back to work around 7pm ;)

Realized what I wanted to do next year and took the first steps to get there

Said a few goodbyes

Went to see Lola's grave after so long

Nerf Guns

Hospital runs with dad.

Met Other-Kc - 7 cases of mistaken identities so far :)

A full week filled with Mondays

Surprising confessions

Attended my boss' bridal shower at Mcdonald's with a Disney Princess Theme

Got a lesson about being brave and taking chances

Took a chance and failed XD

Was scared happy...genuinely happy...sad...then inexplicably happy

Attended a wedding for the first time - the bride wore red chuck taylors

For the wedding, rocked the dress i wore to my junior prom ten years ago XD

Saw the same old people in a different light.

Celebrated Christmas and the New Year with salmon, cheese, wine, and chocolates.

Christmas with all the cousins together.

Watched fireworks from the balcony of my Lolo's home in Bulacan

I have always been dramatic and emotional on this blog but since its the end of the year, permit me a one EXTREMELY LONG POST to be overly dramatic and emotional. :)

I'm not quite sure if I have achieved much this year though I've certainly tried. As with any other year, I've had my fair share of ups and downs, raves and rants, celebrations and breakdowns, praise and moments where I questioned my faith.

To be honest, I don't remember any big achievements this year. I haven't been paying much attention. Yet despite all the changes that I could barely keep up with, I sit here genuinely satisfied. As I watch fireworks go off from a distance with my grandfather's band music playing over the whole house, I can say 2010 has been awesome!

The bad came with the good, plans fell through, friendships tested and burned to the ground, some things ended before they could even start and some things still don't make sense. Still - good and bad results, I have no regrets. :)

Not much pictures to remember, awards, material stuff, and no I'm still not a lawyer (not yet). But my biggest blessings this 2010 - the reasons I have no regrets - are the people in my life:

Every. Single. One.

Related, unrelated, feeling-related, old friends, new friends, officemates, strangers - people who made me smile, laugh, think, love, cry, angry, furious, psychotic - everyone around me made this year great! Everyone - God's blessings.

So to those people! Thank you!

***Thank you***

To my sisters, Mai and Tara:

For being there. Being your crazy selves that drove me insane - For being funny, and loony, for ignoring me when I want to be ignored and for jumping non stop on top of my bed when I needed to cut the drama crap up. For sharing your clothes with me. For asking for my help. For telling me what to do sometimes, and for being the biggest bullies in my life.

To my brother:

Yes you. I don't know - Thank you pa rin hahahaha! For letting us have a good laugh at your expense, hehe. For all the things you said you would do that sort of kept me waiting. Atleast there was something to wait for. For still being a kid and not taking me seriously.

To my mom and dad:

Thank you for putting up with me. For unconditional love. For reminding me to pay the bills. For paying the bills when I forget. For the free food, free laundry, free rides, and for always keeping me moving. :)

To Iris:

For being my bestfriend then and now. For being the responsible person that you are. For making the difficult choices you have to make and rising above those challenges with a great sense of humor and strong faith. You not only make me proud - you inspire me to do better.

To Pam, Steph, Lani, Vans:

For keeping me grounded. For keeping things simple. For reminding me that I AM nice. :D For growing up with me. We can not talk for months yet be the closest of friends when we meet - You guys are great! :)

To Liezl & Mark:

For not hating me when I left SI. Haha! Sorry for not being next in line to join you guys in SG. For keeping in touch, cheering me up, helping me out despite the distance and for just being your zany selves. :)

To Jaja:

For hours and hours of chat messages about movies, music, actors, crushes, actor-crushes, girl-crushes haha, wine, johnny depp, harry potter, LOTR, and every little thing in between. I could go on for hours how it still amazes me how we connect on so many levels. It feels great to realize I'm not so alone on the weirdo department. You are by far one of the coolest people I have ever met - so I guess that makes me cool too. :)

To Eeyan:

For pushing me and pushing me until I couldn't be pushed no more. For practically dragging me out of my comfort zone to experience survival in the urban jungle. To great laughs and great food! To mindless conversations and rants! For being on the other end of the void when I'm ready to speak my mind.

To Ate Weena:

For your patience when I had no idea what I was doing. Hahaha! For being a great leader and a good friend and a very cool one at that. For not having a Facebook account and I hope you never create one - FB is evil! Haha! For being fair, mature, and levelheaded.

To Ara:

Your energy is amazing!!! For the life of me I can't comprehend where you get all your....Ara-ness. Thank you for reminding me I shouldn't be so damn serious all the time. For being unapologetic of your humor, your style, and your insanity. :)

To Zar:

I was so glad I changed my mind that night and met with you at CBTL. I think that was the turning point of our friendship hahaha. Thank you for teaching me to be brave. Thank you for telling me to enjoy the ride. For your full-on support when things were doing great, when they fell apart, and when I needed the constant hand to get back up again. I would not have gotten into this mess if it wasn't for you and your crazy motherly advice. - So thank you. I don't regret it one bit - I can't believe I'm saying this but - I'm so glad I listened to you, other-mother! Hahaha! Cheers to the brave and the insane! ;)

To Ida:

For loving Paramore! For going to the same concert. For being concerned for me when I was late for that concert and texting me. For being extremely, unbelievably friendly. For making me that cup of coffee. For introducing me to milk tea. For letting me borrow your pillow. For listening that night at Lavenda and keeping an open mind. For your support. For your anger. For your evil hirits and comments. For giving me something to laugh about every now and again. Yeah, I blame you! :D

To Shane:

For being that friend you have always been. Spunk - you still have it. Thank you for being better, for being braver, for being one helluva mother! For always telling me to make a blog so I can make money... I'm sorry I'm too lazy talaga hahaha! But you never gave up on encouraging me to write... even if there was nothing to write. Thank you for believing in me as a writer. :)

To Maki, Alvin, Ed, Nell, and the rest of the ACP boys:

Thank you for keeping things light. For all the great laughs. For all the greetings, from Hi to good night. For being patient with me when I'm on suplada mode (which is like - everyday). For all your jokes, video spam, pic spam, quirks, trips, and for making me smile. :)

To Kirk:

For inviting us out to lunch when we had to stay behind when the team left for Catanduanes, thus starting our "monthsary" tradition (that you forgot!). Thank you for introducing me to Bacci and Earle's. Thank you for being the gentleman that you are. :)

To Jayl (B2):

For being my brother. Really. For putting up with me during my adjustment period when I started and we started working together - Yey! China Hotels! - For trusting me when you have no clue just how evil I can be. Haha. For being there, always knowing what to say and what to do. For all the bulol moments you had over chat that had me laughing in my seat. And for making that deal with me that we'll go out drinking when you come home (Oh you better come home!).

To Mrs. Jade:

For showing me what a leader should be: cool, funny, smart, and sassy! Hahaha! I always choose serious over funny - But you make everything work so well, I have no excuse. Thank you for showing me what teamwork is like, what professionalism is like, and what work should be - productive but fun, with a trip to Spicy Fingers once in a while. Hehe. Thank you for wearing red chucks at your wedding and Congrats! :)

To my Father, my God, My Savior - Thank you for the love. For the grace. For blessing me with all these people and all these experiences. For putting me where I am now. For always being there for me, inspite of me. :)

If I didn't mention you by name, no worries - chill - I still thank God for you! :)

They have feelings too...

2010-12-30T09:23:00.004+08:00

*From tumblr - I do not own this -

Can't Fight the Real Me

2010-12-30T07:33:00.002+08:00

So I was on Facebook yesterday morning and on a very brief moment of personal revelry, I thought about adding a couple of friends. Anti-social, suplada, timid, call it whatever you want - I don't really add people or send requests to be their "friend". I wait for them to add me. Hehe. But its the new year so I said - what the hey!

So I clicked on that find-friends thing and started scrolling down the list of poeple I may know. And after adding a couple of people I was okay with, I realized: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! And WHY SHOULD I ADD THEM?!!

Wouldn't it be presumptious of me to add people when they barely know me?

And why should I add them if I'm not sure if they like me?

So there you go. I closed the page and went on to other things.

So much for that. Hahahaha.

if this was a movie you’d be here by now

2010-12-30T07:22:00.002+08:00

"...if this was a movie you’d be here by now..."

-I'll tell you one thing, I never thought I'd be quoting Taylor Swift -

No promises

2010-12-23T16:46:00.002+08:00

Walking my sister to the gate as she heads off to school, and I to work:

Me: Bye! Have a great day at school! Try not to kill __(insert friend's name here)__.

Tara: (shocked) What?!

Me: (hesitating) Try not to kill _(friend's name)__...

Tara:..... I CAN'T PROMISE ANYTHING LIKE THAT?!

I'm Still A Rockstar

2010-12-22T19:45:00.003+08:00

- I'm Still A Rockstar -

- Always have, always will be -

Time's Up

2010-12-22T18:44:00.007+08:00

When words fail...
A story in pictures...
I do not own any of the images...
They were made by awesome people from Tumblr...
Can't remember where they're from, sorry...

Time's Up

Decoy

2010-12-20T16:23:00.001+08:00

Put your mask back on. The show's not over yet. Smile. Wave. Laugh. Keep your mask on.

I was looking somewhere else....

2010-12-16T19:00:00.000+08:00

"There's a certain look that only a trusted friend can give you. A look that says you're about to make a total fool of yourself. I was getting that look."
- The Wonder Years

A missing piece cannot roll by itself - Have you ever tried?

2010-12-11T11:43:00.002+08:00

There's these two little books that I remember from college that made a big impact in my life. The two books that my college professor showed and read to the class, but wasn't even a part of the curriculum. They were her gift to her friend's wedding.

The Missing Piece and The Missing Piece Meets The Big O are two illustrated children's books written by Shel Silverstein. But... as I found out, they're not really JUST for kids.

The Missing Piece

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

Where would we walk, where would we run, if we could stay all day in the sun?

2010-12-09T08:16:00.003+08:00

The Little Mermaid has to be my favorite Disney classic. I watch this movie dozens of times and never got tired of it. Part of your World, one of the film's songs, is hands-down my favorite Disney song of all time. Yeah, Lion King, I love you too but I can't sing to Circle of Life.

Anyway, it's a pretty hard song to cover. Given its about a mermaid and you don't see that everyday, do you?

Until this guy. I'm no Darren Criss fan, but okay, he just made the list-

Same song minus the fangirls.

My favorite part of Part of Your World, is actually the Reprise:

What would I give
To live where you are?
What would I pay
To stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you
Smiling at me?

Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
And I could be
Part of your world

I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world

And just a bonus, here's another cover he did of Mulan's I'll Make A Man Out of You

Okay, Chill!

2010-12-07T09:47:00.003+08:00

I am well aware that the entries have been very gloomy lately. Good things did happen too. Will post them as soon as I can. Why on earth does my mind work better on the negative?! - I just don't know.

Purple Orchids

2010-12-07T09:39:00.003+08:00

"How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are somethings that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold."
-LOTR: The Return of the King (2003)

On the way to work this morning, I started thinking about loss. A couple of friends of mine have lost people close to them over the past few weeks. I didn't know what to say to them to make them feel better. I thought: there's nothing to say when I don't really know how it feels, or do I?

I realized we're all somewhat the same. My friend lost a relative, another friend lost a lover, and I, well, I lost a friend. We're very different on those connections and how we lost them, but the essence of what we lost is the same. It's the same in a way that each of those connections is unique.

Remembering, you don't really care about the bitter things anymore: the bickering, insults, betrayal, lies, endless games, and lectures. What makes it hard are the things you lose: being able to rant on random times of the day, laughing about inside jokes, talking about anything, talking about everything, telling secrets only they would understand, middle of the night conversations about dumb stuff you don’t even talk about during the day, the list goes on.

Regardless of how things turned out, you miss that connection, or how it made you feel. The feeling of security you had around them who made it okay for you to think your thoughts and feel what you feel. That feeling that you can share your soul without losing it. It’s okay for you to scream, laugh, get mad, fall apart, and be... yourself.

Once you lose that connection, it is hard to recover. Who do I run to now? - I said. Who do I tell stuff to? How do I trust someone like that again?

Then I thought of my grandmother. The best person I knew and the worst person I lost. I still miss her. I remember her every time I see or think about orchids. It's been almost ten years and she's still as clear as day.

Then, there it was.

As The Universe would have it, a potted plant was placed on the lavatory of the women's bathroom, a set of purple orchids. I was just supposed to wash my hands, but I stayed for several minutes more, failing not to cry.

I remembered my lola taking me to school, serving the best instant noodles for breakfast, our picnic at the old mango farm, times she bought me hair clips for my long hair, the time she had my long hair brutally chopped off, when she prayed over my parents, the first and, unbelievably, last time I saw her in the hospital and... the time I picked the Bible verse to be engraved on her tombstone.

And though I've met so many remarkable people before and after that, I never quite trusted anyone with faith the way I trusted her. She was the one who taught me how to pray.

We meet people every day and bridges are built. Every single one is different. It doesn't matter if the bridges fall or you end up burning them, you're never quite the same after that. Yes, you learn. Yes, you grow. Yes, you move on. But that unique connection never fades. I guess that's why people are unique. They impact us differently.

So how do you get over it? How do you start again? Trust again? Share a piece of your soul again?

When I find out, I'll let you know.

Let The Good Queen Burn

2010-12-01T09:54:00.002+08:00

"Let The Good Queen Burn"

The result of countless moments of doubt, lies, manipulation, 2 week's worth of rage, petty little things, petty people, hospital runs, life being life, and my love and hate relationship with glitter.

My sister's art project = My outlet

Borrowed Wisdom

2010-12-01T09:37:00.002+08:00

"dont live your life in advance, is all i can say. kasi if you're sure na yun na yung mangyayari, it takes the fun out of everything, gets?"

"here's the thing kasi. you're gonna get f***** up one way or another. might as well have fun while you're at it, ya know? if you keep trying to protect yourself, nothing's gonna happen. at least, nothing exciting. hahaha as my emo, overanalyzing self once said, "does self preservation keep us alive or keep us from living?"

- my friend, Zar

Reality Check

2010-12-01T09:34:00.003+08:00

I’M NOT THE PERSON I USED TO BE. I MUST ADMIT - A LOT OF SH** GOT TO ME.
- Quickthoughts.tumblr

-that's all it is, really-

Forget You

2010-12-01T09:22:00.004+08:00

PEOPLE’S BULL**** AND FAKENESS ARE THE MAIN REASONS WHY I LIKE TO BE ALONE.
-Quickthoughts.tumblr.com

I'm letting go of certain things that do not make sense anymore. I do not have the time nor patience to be lied to, manipulated, or used. Too bad this is not a perfect world where trust does not run out, because mine just did. Life is too darn short to waste on people who will do you more harm than good.

I do not pride myself in having a million friends. There is no point in having company when you feel lonely around them. For the very few that I'm able to talk to, share a laugh with, be my psychopath self with, I'm thankful and do not take these connections lightly.

I guess the one downside to this is the bitter outcome. I know I may not have been the great friend I was expected to be in the end, but you can't say I never tried.

All the drama aside, I'm gladly skipping away.

On the Mend

2010-11-26T18:42:00.001+08:00

Truth is, in person, I hate drama. I play with words, sarcasm, and jokes to keep the conversation light and moving. I avoid serious topics. I know at the end of the day, sharing pain/ feelings is not something people would relate to, even if they wanted to. It brings you to that awkward place. I don't want that. So I'm going alone for now.

Tweet Mess

2010-10-13T18:20:00.004+08:00

@cralykatz (Tara): i love brittany ! XD

@sikesikasi (me): @cralykatz i love brittany - why? what's happening?! I wanna go home!

cralykatz: @sikesikasi who are u again?? X)

sikesikasi (me): @cralykatz When I get home, I'll remind you. (o_~)v

cralykatz: @sikesikasi hehe ayoko nga !!!

===

cralykatz: my sister haven't watch transformers yet.. ....(i know right?)...and yes im talking about you @isabelleochoa

cralykatz: ..instead, my sister is watching Phineas and Ferb.... yes im still talking about you ..

sikesikasi: @cralykatz punish her!

cralykatz: @sikesikasi way ahead of you..

===

we're nicer in person...promise.

Battling Toxicity Levels

2010-10-04T17:11:00.002+08:00

A couple of years ago, I worked for a multi-national company earning a high salary at the expense of my well-being. And when I say well-being, I mean physical, mental, and emotional hell..er.. health.

I would slave through a 7 - 4 pm shift, only to leave the office at 8, sometimes 9, even 10 in the evening. Thing's got so stressful that I found myself crying every night because I didn't think I could survive another day. I got tired and frustrated of talking to people. I had no energy left outside of work.

That was the first time I understood the meaning of a "toxic" working environment.

Whenever I wonder what got me through that terrible phase, I wouldn't consider my social skills, my intellect, or sheer willpower - I knew that early I had none of those.

It was the 15-minute train ride. That small part of my daily commute every morning where the silence of the train against and the brightness of the new day would remind me to pray before another day of hellish work begins...

Lord, I honestly can't do this anymore.
Let my steps be your steps
My choices be your choices
my words be your words,
my strength be your strength
and my wisdom be your wisdom.
Overpower my spirit with yours
That I may be the person you want be to be today...

Six months into that job, I quit. And things didn't exactly became easier after that. Everyday brings new challenges and unbelievable people, with the words "challenges" and "unbelievable" being a serious understatement.

Somehow, its good to know that whenever I meet certain disasters, I remember the train ride. 15 minutes of just ... surrender.

It's not a dream anymore, It's worth fighting for...

2010-09-28T15:41:00.002+08:00

Whenever I'd log on to Facebook, there are certain posts I always hope not to see. But just like reality television, they're always there and I can't help it. These are the updates from batchmates in college, and the subject of their posts: Law School.

Four years ago, I decided to take a year off and earn a living to help out the family. One year, I said. I cringe when I remember that I let not one, not two, but four years go by. And reading about my friends' academic state, as much as they are a cry for help sometimes, drives me into utter envy!

Before this can be mistaken as a sign of sweet surrender to our country's suffering economy and the constant pressures of work and money, and money, and money, it's not. As much as it is true that studying poses less pressure than being a part of the workforce, there was something about law school that kept me interested all these years.

I started watching The Practice at an age where it was deemed too young for me to do so. And though I didn't understand everything about it, I loved each thrill that comes with every courtroom drama. My favorite part of A Few Good Men, besides the chilling Jack Nicholson speech, was brilliant arguments out of so little details. And yes, I even cheered for Elle Woods when she cracked the case wide open with such a vain but crucial observation.

I miss reading cases after cases of Supreme Court rulings; carrying massive weights of books, the pressure of waiting for your professor to come in the room while you bury your face in pages, reviewers, and notes; the relief you feel when the professor is absent or when your name is not called for a mind-numbing blood-pumping soul-sucking recitation; waking up early in the morning to recite countless articles, going to school early heading straight to the library to study more; drinking coffee three times a day, and my dear dear highlighters!

It's not all bad. There's the triumph you feel when you gave the right answer, being in the company of equals as you laugh away the tension, having a drink at the end of exams, that immeasurable high when you pass a test - even when your grade was 2 points above acceptable, and the motivation you feel when your professor - a lawyer - tells you, you'll make it.

So yeah, my college major in Legal Management and, to some extent, television (who called it the idiot box?) certainly left quite an impression of the legal profession on me. As much as I tried shaking it off, it's still there, like a giddy little school boy waiting to come out.

Does that mean I have regrets as to where I am now? Certainly not. I did put it off for a reason. I wasn't ready.

Back in college, I was this exteremely idealistic, timid, and painfully shy girl who didn't understand the world's insanities. I'd shrink at the sight of confrontation and my voice would easily drown in the crowd. I didn't have enough character to survive four more years of mental and emotional stress. I counted myself weak (sometimes I still do). I wasn't exactly law school material. And character building of that nature is not something I could learn in a classroom.

But working - paying for my own bills, dealing with real people with real problems, your "grade" being your permanent record, making finances work, constant family pressures, meeting all sorts of people with unbelievable issues, struggling with my inner demons - if that wasn't enough to strengthen a few lousy cells in my body, I don't know what will.

And right now, as I watch my batchmates graduate, I'm beginning to wonder if its time to make that next move. If I'm ready. And if I can.

You always watch or read about people who gave up on their dreams to be something else entirely, and they're happy with that, they even count themselves successful. That's okay. I'm sure the future will be great no matter what because I'm blessed. If I'm meant to go down that road, that's fine. But right now, I'm not there yet. (o_~)v

Superlicious!

2010-09-24T11:25:00.002+08:00

Tara: What are you doing?
Me: Changing the names on Mai's phonebook.

--changed the names to Voldermort, Hermione Granger, Lady Gaga, Batman...--

Me: Anong gusto mo ipalit ko sa name mo?

Tara: Dopebag!... CrapALikey!...Superlicious!

And the hits just keep on coming...

2010-09-22T10:32:00.000+08:00

Isn't it ironic how people tell you, you can be anyone you want to be, achieve anything you hope for, then give you a huge to-do list of responsibilities that leads to a totally different direction?

It's not ironic. It's heartbreaking.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

2010-09-20T11:19:00.002+08:00

Friendship should be effortless. Labeling a relationship to be of friends shouldn't add any form of pressure into it. Why can't a conversation be JUST a conversation, a joke incite plain laughter, and a comment be a point of view? Must everything have a deeper meaning that translates into the depth of your connection?

If I wanted an analysis as to everything I say and do, and everything I don't, I'd hire a shrink - but I'm broke enough as it is.

I'm your friend. I will laugh with you. Sometimes, I will laugh at you. We can make fun of other people and ourselves, It's a liberating feeling. We can talk about anything. ANYTHING. And it shouldn't be a contest of who's better or worse. I'm your friend but I'm not perfect. Most of the time, I won't know something's wrong until you tell me. And not knowing doesn't mean that thats the universe telling you I don't care and wouldn't if I knew. We can have opposing opinions and that's okay. I can't always be there and I don't have all the answers, but don't take it against me because there's only so much I can do.

Let's keep it simple. Life is already complicated enough.

Feel Good Sites

2010-09-20T10:32:00.003+08:00

You know when you're feeling down and your friends tell you that somebody else has it worse and you don't really believe them because words are just words sometimes? Yeah, I feel like that a lot. And when it comes to making myself feel better, since I'm a nerd slash introvert with 0 social life these days, I dwell online for some comfort, and boy did I find some!

OMG-Facts.com - Yes, facts cheer me up. It's amazing.

"If you were to eat a full 11 ounce bag of Lay’s Classic potatoes chips, you would receive 110% of your recommended daily amount of Vitamin C." - now I know what to eat when I have a cold.

"They stopped making red M&Ms for TEN YEARS." - i love red M&Ms.

mylifeisaverage.com - This is by far one of the best websites I'm obsessed with right now. Its about average day-to-day lives of ordinary people... and they couldn't be more awesome!

"Today, i was walking down the street and i sawpeople dressed up as three different colored crayons run by yelling, "We're free! We're free!" and an empty crayons box chasing after them, whoever you are, that was epic. MLIA"

"Today, I was at the mall looking for a red and white striped shirt to use for a Where's Waldo halloween costume. I was not surpised when I was unable to find one. MLIA"

"The other day at Walmart, I went to go buy some cupcakes. I had gone with my brother who had just come back from his "Star Wars" party. he was still wearing his Darth Vader mask and had a lightsaber hidden in his cloak. As we walked over to the register, apparently our cashier's name was Luke. My brother joked around and said "Luke, I'm your father"... Luke gave him a startled look... and proceeded to pull out a lightsaber from behind the counter. My brother is 16. Luke seemed to be about 40. Walmart-Cashiers-Are-Average."

"My English teacher always starts class by having us write a short essay. Today it said: Pirate or Ninja? I didn't write anything on my paper, but "written in invisible ninja ink." She gave me an A. I love my English teacher. MLIA"

"Today in class we did a fun project to kick off the new school year. The task was to come up with the one thing that you'd need to bring if you were stranded on a deserted island. Most groups chose things like cellphones, matches, and blow up rafts. My group? Well we chose Chuck Norris."

Six Billion Secrets - Well, this is a bit of a downer, reading about others' secrets which are mostly sad and tragic. The only comfort I found here is, somewhere out there, there's someone else who feels exactly the same way I do. It's not about feeling better because someone else has it worse. It's about knowing you're not alone and someone knows how you really feel.

But seriously, check out MyLifeIsAverage!

P.S.

So September 13, 2010 was -Whack a Twilighter Day. I believe I missed a golden opportunity there. You win this round Twilight. MLIA

Poof!

2010-09-17T11:44:00.000+08:00

So I said, its gonna be okay. I slept late but woke up well-rested. I woke up early which allowed me take my time preparing. I wore what I wanted to wear for once. My sisters were bright and sunny as they prepared for school, unlike their usual grumpy mood in the mornings. I sat in front of the shuttle. And got to the office pretty darn early to start work.

Opened my laptop and files... and I discovered... my deadline was AM not PM.

Drenched

2010-09-16T21:34:00.002+08:00

For the nth time, I left the office late after my shift was over, realizing waiting for ideas to come flowing in was a futile attempt. I took my time walking towards where the shuttles were, and when the van was filling up with people, I decided to catch the next one. This decision had me waiting for the next shuttle as the rain started pouring down hard. I got wet trying to protect the most important item I had in my person, my laptop. It was also a bad time to discover my umbrella had holes.

24 years still yet I feel so old. I feel I should know things I still don't know. I've always felt like I haven't lived up to what I'm supposed to be at my age, though I don't exactly know what that is. Wouldn't it be easier if we woke up one day, and had all the answers? Why things are happening to us and why things are NOT happening? Why people come and go and why sometimes, they mean more to us than we to them? Or that simple question that stares us in the face when met with a haze of uncertainties and doubts: what am I supposed to do?

Throwing rocks in a stream

2010-09-03T23:27:00.000+08:00

Unwinding a few random thoughts all tied up in my head this past week.

It's insane that we women build up stuff in our minds, taking each little thing a guy does, and twisting it into something else instead of surrendering logically to those 6 tragic words: He's just not that into you. (Yes, I saw the movie).

Words are powerful but silence is what will kill you. When all you need is a few words of reassurance and you find yourself throwing words into the void, the silence is just as heartbreaking.

Alone and loneliness are two different things. You can choose to be alone.

There are things you know because they are taught but the heart feels what your mind can't remember, faith connects them both.

Sometimes, its okay to break a few of your own rules. To hell with the next step. Find a new place, meet someone, and listen. Amidst your own pain, if you keep your heart open, you'll be happy there's a great story out there, even if its not yours.

One lie ruins everything.

Dreaming on a rainy day...

2010-09-02T11:05:00.002+08:00

Is it sick of me to think that this is a great day? It's gloomy outside and once in a while it rains on different levels. It's probably flooded in known areas as well, with angry motorists stuck in heavy traffic. Most people are probably late for work. But I have a flexible schedule so I don't really care. The only downside of this weather is it completely cramps my style when I have to bring a huge umbrella to work.

But other than that, I think its beautiful. It's not so sunny and not so cold. The streets is overwhelmingly calm. If there was a cafe outside, I'd be having pancakes or french toast with scrambled eggs and a hot cup of coffee or hot chocolate. I'll be listening to my Rory play some chill out music: Sixpence non the Richer, Matchbox Twenty, and Sara Bareilles. I'd be looking outside the window and watching cars and people go by with the rain happily trickling down.

I'd take my time. It's perfect!

The 30-Day Challenge: Day 02

2010-08-26T12:18:00.003+08:00

Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr/Blogger name

SiKesiKasi or Si Kesi Kasi is just a play on words on my name which means "it's KC's fault. Kesi is a another deviation of my name given by a friend from a previous office.

Unspoken - Well, do I need to explain? I don't say things a lot so most thoughts go here. That's why things tend to get emotional every now and then. Anyway, I blog to express not impress.

The 30-Day Challenge: Day 01

2010-08-25T11:09:00.008+08:00

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Okay, I know it's late. But this is like my job interview all over again. I just went blank. I did 20 interesting things to make up for it. :D

[a picture of me this morning in my current state of mind]

20 Interesting Facts About Me

1. I'm the only one in my family who likes tomato ketchup. Everybody else likes the banana one. Thus, my own ketchup bottle.

2. English is my second language, Sarcasm being the first.

3. I watch korean/foreign dramas that's been dubbed in Filipino but I still read the English subtitles. I make life complicated that way.

4. When I'm in the mood, I like to cook. On my best days, I make french toast, scrambled eggs, and a side of ham. On my really best days, there's bacon.

5. I can't cook. But its the thought that counts.

6. I love rain. And when its drizzling, I always like to walk in it.

7. I may look normal. But on the inside, I'm a redhead rockstar! \m/

8. My fashion sense depends on my sisters, because I like borrowing their clothes. So its either rockstar chic or Korean garb.

9. When I want to think, I walk around my room A LOT. Pacing happens on the average of four to six times a day. My sisters hate it when I do this.

10. I shrink on confrontations but I'm a helluva a writer when Im ranting.

11. Working over three years in the online industry, I've come to repel technology. 90% of my phone use is checking the time.

12. I don't like watching horror flicks because my wild imagination keeps me up for nights. I did watch The Grudge while I was standing by the door so I can walk out anytime.

13. When I watch movies, I always check if theres trivia information about them on IMDB. I'm a sucker for details and behind-the-scenes stuff.

14. On movies, my favorite characters are always the supporting leads/ villains. They have more depth. Perfect example: Severus Snape.

15. I have my masters degree on procrastination. But I work better when I'm cramped for time. Grace under pressure is my specialty ;)

16. Want to get on my good side? Bring a bottle of wine.

17. An acceptable burger for me has pickles and mustard.

18. When offered Coke, I only take about 1-3 sips.

19. I have a life outside of Facebook. Don't expect me to "Like"/ comment on everything, up-to-the-minute updates, and upload photos about my weekend. I do not and will not do that.

20. Has the attention span of a four-year old. You have no idea how many times I lost interest in this. There's just way too much...Oh look! KITTY!

9 Deadly Words

2010-08-20T18:12:00.001+08:00

source

The 30 Day Challenge....

2010-08-19T16:09:00.003+08:00

.... starts tomorrow. :D

The whole 365 pictures idea was great but since its hard for me to commit to a daily thing for a whole year, let's be realistic here and try 30 days first.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr/Blogger name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr/Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

Can I be excused for the rest of my life?

2010-08-16T19:16:00.000+08:00

How to do this?

2010-08-16T18:29:00.001+08:00

source

Sssssh!

2010-08-16T17:49:00.003+08:00

I know I may not have any right to complain about it but I really hate noise today. Silence is not really logical to demand when you belong in a big team but its getting ridiculous how noisy it gets sometimes. For some, they thrive on noise for creativity and I understand that. But there has to be some sort of space between those who can live on noise and those who can't stand it. I played Rory pretty loud just to drown people out, but that was pretty stupid since what I really want is quiet.

I respect that some have the right to their creative space, however crazy that may be. I just think its a bit unfair when your creative space encroaches on mine when I depend on silence to make my mind work. :(

And sometimes, its just plain annoying!

Well, there goes Monday for me.

Why I Suck at Being a Girl

2010-08-12T11:15:00.003+08:00

I'm reposting this because it screams ME.

Originally written by Maraya Bien

Like everyone else, I have ideas on what a girl should look, sound and act like. And because I'm the type who likes to torture herself, I compare these images/ideals with what I actually look, sound and act like, and I have always come to the same conclusion: I suck at being a girl. Really, I'm like a boy with boobs (and not even decent-sized ones). Here's why:

1. I do not really enjoy shopping for shoes, and I especially hate buying leather shoes because our stupid stores don't usually have anything decent-looking in my size. (Dear shoe stores: for your information, not every Filipina has size 8 feet.) [I don't like shopping. period.]

2. I cannot and will not flutter my eyelashes at ANYONE.

3. I am incredibly dense.

4. I laugh like a psychopath.

5. Smiling is not one of my strong points.

6. I don't like dresses and, based on how I look when I wear them, they don't like me either.

7. When I am hungry, I do not eat, I make lamon.

8. I'm too lazy to color coordinate outfits.

9. Twilight --- I don't get it.

10. I don't have "female charm" and if God gave me some tomorrow I would not know what to do with it.

11. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER buy a handbag/purse worth more than 1,000 pesos.

12. I think Doraemon trumps Hello Kitty. [Mojacko, for me hehe]

13. Community, NCIS, Lie to Me, Bones, Monk, Castle, House, Letterman, Fr. Ted: I'd watch over and over again. Grey's Anatomy: no.

14. My hair sucks.

15. I wear ratty, hole-ridden shirts at home.

16. I cannot dance.

17. I don't wear make-up because I think, to quote Barbra Streisand, "I still look like me, only in color." [I wear a little]

18. ruffles, glitter, sequins --- never.

19. I would rather be given CDs than flowers. [food is good too.]

20. I find it silly when girls wear jewelry when they play sports (yes, I am talking about you pearls-wearing-DLSU-volleyball-player)

21. I don't know the difference between hair mousse, hair gel and hair wax.

22. I am incredibly imperceptive.

23. My favorite pair of shoes is a hole-ridden, paint-splattered Chuck Taylor that I've had since 2001.

24. I think that drama, in TV or in real life, is no good.

25. I sit like a boy (good thing I don't wear dresses, noh?)

26. If I were to join a rock band, I would not play bass guitar. [ I'd play drums If I could :( ]

27. I have never seen the Titanic, but I've seen the Godfather at least 6 times.[Does Oceans Eleven count?]

I suck at being a girl.

Lessons From Life by Regina Brett

2010-08-12T10:32:00.001+08:00

Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
Pay off your credit cards every month.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
The most important sex organ is the brain.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
Always choose life.
Forgive everyone everything.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Believe in miracles.
God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
Your children get only one childhood.
All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Yield.
Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Painting Her Nails Pussy Red

2010-08-11T10:33:00.002+08:00

It's all behind me now.
I was about to say "for now".
But no, it's all behind me now.

Whatever episode that was - gone.

I'm not even going to dignify it by labeling it anything.

From time to time, it will be just a hiccup, until it's hardly noticeable anymore.

Today, without thinking on it, I just wanted to smile and laugh and shine.

So I will.

"You can turn off the sun, but I'm still gonna shine." - Jason Mraz

A Beautiful Mess

2010-08-10T19:25:00.002+08:00

It's simply beautiful.

I'm in love.

Thank you, Lord, for Jason Mraz

Everything's a Foggy Mess

2010-08-10T15:24:00.000+08:00

Note to Self:

Must not dwell on the negative,

or its possibilities.

Don't pause to think on doubts and questions.

Move away from lingering thoughts of what ifs and what could haves

Avoid the confusion.

Take things simply for what they were,

and as they come.

Disengage.

Turn it off.

Forget it.

Shake it off.

Hang it Up.

Surrender.

Hang it up.

Start walking.

Don't look back.

Don't even think about it.

For the Love of Wine

2010-08-03T16:26:00.006+08:00

There are a lot of things I'm grateful I learned from family: faith, love, good food, provincial life, and smart decisions, among other stuff. One of the greatest of those things: the love of a good glass of wine.

Everytime THE FAMILY gets together, that is my family and the rest of our relatives with my grandfater, evening talks over wine are staples. Before, it was just on special occasion, now its really everytime we get together, as if being together was something special on its own.

I didn't pick up the habit of drinking growing up except for the occasional sip of wine with the family now and again. I don't really bring it up with friends when they go out for drinks because It might sound snobbish to say I don't drink beer. Its bitter and tasteless - hello?!

That's why I was so glad when I met someone at the office who shares my love for wine (and Johnny Depp). So when we passed by Barcino at Greenbelt one day, we decided to make it a plan and go there sometime.... like Friday that week!

And so we did. I looked so giddy in anticipation, I looked like a school girl in love - and I'm proud to admit that I am. In love. with wine. :D

Wine night at Barcino Wine Resto Bar

While we wait for Jaja: A cosmopolitan for ate weena and a mojito for me :D

Jaja wrote this on the restroom chalkboard - EPIC!

Wine is better chilled :D

That's Eeyan on the right. The girl who looks totally zonked - no idea.

Jaja and I: Here's to Johnny Depp! I'm sure somewhere out there, he's also enjoying a glass.

Ate Weena and Jaja

Ate Weena, Jaja, and me! :)

Momo and Eeyan followed after their dinner at Flapjacks

and of course-

Ditto

2010-07-28T11:29:00.003+08:00

source: http://theinspirationtree.tumblr.com

Being Vada

2010-07-27T16:11:00.003+08:00

On my sick day, I caught My Girl on HBO. I loved this movie. In a word, its simply - charming. As usual, I walked out of the room when Thomas J died. Till this day, I've never seen what happened when he was looking for the mood ring. It was just too tragic to watch.

Vada Margaret Sultenfuss - I love her witty narration, typical innocence, and tomboyish attitude. A girl with a boy for a bestfriend and who couldn't care less about what other people think.

When I was a kid, I was pretty much like her. While other girls stayed indoors and hung out with other girls, I ran around, crossed backyards, climbed rooftops, played with Legos, played with matchbox cars, all of them with boys my age or older. I was always outside and I'd hate that time of the afternoon where its nearing sunset. There was something sad about the ending of another day, where all I'd do is have dinner and watch the grownups watch the news.

On her silly girl crush on her teacher, I could relate to that. Haha! I was in 3rd grade and he was a sophomore. He was nice to me and we'd hang out after class while waiting for our parents to pick us up. I was ecstatic when we were on the same team for our school's intramurals. That quote: "A friend would bail you out of jail, a bestfriend would probably be in there with you". Well, we both did time thanks to the school's jail booth and when we were done hanging out, he bailed us both out. I thought he was the coolest guy in the world.

Another thing I loved about Vada was her style. A simple shirt, jeans, red hat and snickers with her tied up hair in a mess from running around. Whatever she wore, she was lovely.

To answer that question, why can't life be as easy and careless as it was in the film? Girls hanging out with boys without malice and the world being a huge playground? I think the movie covered that too. We all had to grow up and face realities, even Vada.

Off The Wall

2010-07-27T15:08:00.004+08:00

I wasn't really into Facebook before. I don't play games, I rarely upload photos, and I hardly post mundane updates on my day. To this day, I have about 100+ invitations and around 20 friend requests. But when I get bored, I do log on to my account, and before I know it, I have spent an hour doing nothing but checking on what my friends are up to (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Before, it was just about killing time. Now, its annoying how I open it on a daily basis only to do absolutely nothing. People also make FB too much of a big deal. I posted a quote last week and got into this long discussion about what THAT was about. Lesson: Sometimes, a quote is just a quote.

So getting off FB for a week and kicking the habit. Maybe I'll have enough detachment to delete my account one day.

Facebook Withdrawal Report:

Monday Day01:

Got me a happy stressball.

Took it to work.

So my extra attention goes to the stressball.

Stressball smells like chocolate.

Must not eat the stressball.

Tuesday Day02:

A friend tagged me on a post, says my email.

That better not be an ugly picture.

to be continued....

Idiot

2010-07-24T18:00:00.000+08:00

Graceful you stand. Proud.

But the whole world sees your cracks.

Hold your ground, strong.

With little effort, fail, miserably.

Graceful you stand. Proud.

But the whole world sees your cracks.

Small Gestures on Bad Days

2010-07-20T11:17:00.000+08:00

A cookie. A stick of lollipop left on my desk. Post-it notes. Quiet time. Advil. Rescheduling. A cozy Italian lunch. Silly pictures. A long commute. 3 girls eating from a box of leftovers while talking about their day. Catching the opening of The Proposal. An old friend wanting to chat. A text message. Sitting on someone else's bed watching them work. A call. A smile.

Laughing at us

2010-07-13T22:40:00.001+08:00

Tonight was the second meeting of Project01. I'm so happy. Its good to start on new things with old friends and reminisce.

Project01, as it will be wisely coded, is something I'm starting out with a few former colleagues. We're so hyper over this, I hope it works.

The first meeting happened in North Park, Greenbelt 5. It was great to see them again. We work in different offices now but they're still the same. If anything, we're more crazy now.

The 2nd meeting took place a few hours ago at a historic place. The infamous Starbucks at Emerald Ave. near our old office where all of us used to work. It lookes exactly the same and I could swear the old staff from three years ago still works there.

I was shown pieces of my work from three to four years ago. And I couldn't contain my joy. It was a report I had done when I was leading a small team back then. I just started to remember those days, the monitoring, the updates, the rants. Haha. And having that team sitting in one table now talking about new beginnings... while letting the craziness of it all get to all of us, it was fun. I caught myself smiling.

Lets go Project01. :)

Lets go team. :)

Three Wishes

2010-07-13T09:43:00.003+08:00

"We'd be so less fragile
If we're made from metal
And our hearts from iron
And our minds from steel
And if we built an armor
For our tender bodies
Could we love each other
Would we stop to feel."

[Three Wishes | The Pierces]

Epic Fail of the Day

2010-07-09T14:47:00.004+08:00

older brother: Kc, birthday ba ni Mai (sister) ngayon?
me: Mai is May 9, Tara is April 9.
older brother: ganun ba?

[awkward silence]

older brother: so walang may birthday ngayon?
me: wala

[brother walks away]

me: did you greet her?
older brother: OO

LOL!

They Ran, They Yelled, They Stole Things

2010-07-09T09:55:00.007+08:00

[warning: this entry is long, I'm not even kidding]

I have a seven and a nine-year age gap with my two sisters. As a result, they got along with each other better growing up than with me. Believe it or not, one of them didn’t even recognize me as a sister and didn't even realize we were going to the same school. But she was much younger then.

There was a time when I thought we would never get along. I was the typical teen in high school and they were the two rugrats who wouldn’t stop jumping up and down inside the car for longer than two minutes. They ran around ruining everything and I had to be the babysitter who ran after them, telling them, begging them, yelling at them to sit still…and they never did.

Over the years, I guess that gap shortened a great deal. Our living arrangements forced them to live on my side of the condo and they had to live by my rules >insert evil laugh here<.

And as I did, they also grew up. Now, they are the brooding teens, annoyed by hyperactive toddlers. It seems like ages ago when I acted like nothing makes sense. Now I keep reminding them not to pull that drama crap on me. For one thing, I've been there, some things are not THAT deep.

Mai. Baby mai was hard to tame and hard to blame. She would run around when she wanted to. She would take my stuff when she wanted to, she would draw on the face of my favorite doll with a permanent marker if she wanted to. When you yell at her, she would cry or would refuse to talk to you, prompting your dad to chime in and ask what's wrong - then you're in trouble. If she finds your stuff and ruins them, you’re careless for not taking care of them. If you hide your things from her, you’re selfish, and she would still find them.

At present, Mai is taking on her first year in college. In some ways, she’s still very ignorant and very naïve, always asking annoying questions. A few weeks ago she asked me what college was like and seeing her look at me with those eager, expecting eyes, I felt a deep sense of amusement as I never had the benefit of someone else’s wisdom at her age. And she was asking me now [good luck with that].

She’s always been so quiet. You never quite know what’s going on with her. There may be a hint of rebellion in there somewhere but maybe that’s just me always seeing her as a brat. In reality, she seems like she doesn’t care but she’s soft spoken. She’s not ignoring you. You just can’t hear her. She’s scary when she’s serious but she brightens up like mad when she sees bunnies. Yep, small, fluffy, hopping bunnies.

Tara, the youngest crazy in the family. She would wrap her teeny little fingers around my pinkie when I took care of her. Always bubbly and jumpy. And always in a biting mood, literally. She HATED school. She had the perfect curly hair that I envied but she didn’t like them because all of us had straight hair. She would constantly complain about the hair until we got it rebonded. But secretly, I loved her hair then.

I admit to having less patience with her. Nine years apart and sometimes treated her like an adult. She would retreat in silence when I get mad, but will harbor no ill will towards anyone. She forgives easily as a child does, holding on to things loosely.

She's a mix of toughness and girly. She has a strong presence but I always get reminded of how fragile she is. I remembered answering the phone one day only to hear her, near-tears, asking me to pick her up from school. I panicked. She was running a fever... Dengue fever. I would take time off from work to take care of her then.

Now, she’s in third year high school and crazy as ever. She's smart and perceptive. She’s pick up on all the wittiness of everyone around her over time. She will seem quiet and sweet with that innocent smile, But she will get you with her clever one liners when you least expect it.

It’s been 17 years of my life filled with their insanities. There’d be times when we would spent hours laughing about the pettiest things, from our parents to Dora the Explorer. And there’d be times when we were just driving each other mad. I don’t know if its old age getting to me but I look at them every now and then and all I see are these two incredibly amusing young ladies who used to be helpless little tykes. I often refer to them as the spoiled little brats in my life but really, I think I’m the one who spoils them most nowadays, always caving in to their little whims because I just adore seeing them happy.

In a lot of ways, they drive me crazy. But most days, they are my pride and joy.

To answer your question

2010-07-08T11:16:00.004+08:00

Over time, there's this one conversation I hate having over and over. Either with a friend or someone I just met, the moment this question gets thrown at me, my attention span for the dialogue just shortens by a mile.

The moment it starts with THAT question, I pretty much know how the conversation would go.

question: "Do you have a boyfriend?"

[Hell, here we go.]

answer: "Nope. :)"

question: "why?"

[why the hell not?!]

answer: " >insert my desperate attempt to change the topic<"

conclusion: "choosy ka siguro."

[choosy your face]

I wish I could leave the conversation at that point, but face it, how do you gracefully leave a conversation like that. It could go on and on about my standards and how I SHOULD have a boyfriend.

First off, if there are lots of fishes in the sea, its not my fault I happen to encounter a few Squidwards and Patricks along the way.

Honestly, I don't understand why its such a big deal. I've said it before, I hate being asked about my status as if its a requirement to be NORMAL.

I'm gloriously single. period. everything will fall into place at the right time.

[I wanted to title this entry: Choosy Your Face :) Its so hard to finish this without being mean so give me a break. :P]

~~~

(My friend helping me answer the relationship question)

friend: answer it with this na lang: "i used to date, but still cant find the right guy to fit me into a serious one"
me: nice :D I'll edit
me: "I used to date, but still cant fit the right guy to take seriously"

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone, and I need you now

2010-07-07T01:18:00.000+08:00

So I thought it was going to be an ordinary evening. I got home a bit late from a meeting with old friends and had little time to catch up with my sisters who were too busy with homework. I slept right away since I had a deadline to finish the following morning (today).

Sometime over my dreaming state I woke up with my baby sister tugging on my feet. The youngest in the family, you can't really tell that she's that way since she's taller than me. But she has the mind and maturity of an average 15-year old. She's just a little kid.

I sat up and looked at her as she went back to bed. She was just checking on me. I asked her what the problem was and as she continued to lie there in the silence, I just guessed that she had a nightmare.

She sat up and told me about it. I didn't know what to do so I just let her lean her head on the edge of my bed and held her hand for a while. She was determined not to sleep again. I thought it was okay to stay up with her thinking it was already about 4am but it was only a few minutes past midnight.

I asked her to just sleep on my bed and on an ordinary night, she'd say no, but she didn't hesitate. I don't know how to describe it but she must've turned pale because her skin was so cold and clammy. I told her its okay. She didn't say a word. In the dark, she reached for her eyes and started sobbing. I panicked.

I opened the lights and we went downstairs for water. I honestly don't know what water does but I had to do something. I let her watch TV with the lights on to calm her down.

I watched her as I typed this up. She just sat there staring at the TV letting her mind wander. Yep, she's taller than me and can push me out of her way with little effort. But she's very much still my baby sister. I'm in a period right now where I can't wait to move out of the house and break out on my own. But tonight, I'm glad I was here for this.

Dear Universe, are you kidding me?

2010-06-29T19:20:00.002+08:00

I started today with a nightmare at 2 in the morning. I witnessed a mass murder of people from what seem like a past life. Gunshots and beheadings. Very graphic and very old, straight out of the Japanese occupation, I think. My heart just kept on racing. I couldn't get back to sleep until an hour later, and even then I was very jumpy.

The Plan: Wake up by 4:00 am and get to the office by 7, leave early in time to walk around the mall and attend a business meeting by dinner. What actually happened: Woke up at 4:30. 5 snoozes and a headache later I decided to have coffee and call it a morning...at 5:00 am.

Left the house 7:00 am. Bad hair day, bad makeup day, and a very bad day to carry a laptop as I was waiting in line for the shuttle for a good 30 minutes under the sun (are you kidding me?).

Got to work. I made a small mistake with a task that I was told was no big deal. I spent most of my morning correcting it and improving on it as well. I really thought it wasn't a big deal. Turns out it was to someone else. I found out by lunch and felt so stupid and incompetent. I thought I'd do great with the transfer, first task and I messed things right up (are you kidding me?!).

Dropped by the bank with my friend after lunch. It was 1:10pm. The weekly meeting starts at 1:30pm. This will be quick, I thought. 15 minutes later and the cute guy at the teller looked like he was still learning how to work his computer. Dear newbie teller, are you kidding me?!

Left the bank: 1:29pm, hailed a cab, and went straight to a series of stoplights. Are you kidding me?!

Was late for the meeting. Felt tired. And the error was brought up. I wasn't sure how red my face was but I wanted to leave.

Then there's this presentation by friday... and guess what, I'll be talking...once again, are. you. kidding. me?

I felt better after the meeting, I just needed chocolates.

Well, I said to myself I'd quit it with all the dark entries but hey, its not my fault the universe wants to make me cry today.

FTW moments: :)

- my dad lent me money. Yes, I was dead broke this morning.

- Harry Potter: The Deathly Hallows teaser trailer - "The Motion Picture Event of a Generation" - absolutely 100%

- my team is so supportive and patient about my stupidity.

- no work tomorrow!

- chocolates!

- Teriyaki Boy: Ebi tempura ramen & Tempura Spicy Tuna Tartare = heaven

Simple Enough, Right?

2010-06-21T13:03:00.005+08:00

*photo courtesy of f****yeahhappy.tumblr.com

Icky Alphabet Soup

2010-06-18T16:33:00.002+08:00

My first assignment as a newly transferred copywriter: Banner copies. Okay, I said. I can do this. It was like making a PPC Ad Copy or an e-brochure. I've done that before. Done!

My second assignment, on-page copy. Okay, I said again. I can do this. One hour and one huge mug of coffee later, I found myself staring at the website copy... and saying to myself: "craaaaap!"

It dawned on me that this is my first on-page copy in over two years. It's been a while and I am kinda rusty. I started feeling lightheaded and the words stopped making sense. My brain feels like soup. One disgusting bowl of soggy alphabet soup.

No turning back now. I have to finish this!

You Don't Know Me

2010-06-16T17:17:00.000+08:00

You give your hand to me

Then you say hello

I can hardly speak

My heart is beating so

And anyone can tell

You think you know me well

But you don't know me

No, you don't know the one

Who dreams of you at night

And longs to kiss your lips

And longs to hold you tight

Oh I'm just a friend

That's all I've ever been

'Cause you don't know me

I never knew

The art of making love

Though my heart aches

With love for you

Afraid and shy

I've let my chance to go by

The chance that you might

Love me, too

You give your hand to me

And then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

You'll never never know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

You give your hand to me, baby

Then you say good-bye

I watch you walk away

Beside the lucky guy

No, no, you'll never ever know

The one who loves you so

Well, you don't know me

This time baby I'll be bulletproof

2010-06-10T10:34:00.001+08:00

Been there, done that, messed around

I'm having fun don't put me down,

I'll never let you sweep me off my feet,

I won't let you in again, the messages I've tried to send,

my informations just not going in,

burnin' bridges shore to shore, I'll break away from something more,

I'm not turned off to love until it's cheap,

been there, done that, messed around,

I'm having fun don't put me down,

I'll never let you sweep me off my feet.

(Bulletproof | La Roux)

It's a small world and I'm not alone

2010-06-09T16:52:00.002+08:00

For years I thought my name was unique. I thought this is one of my unique characteristics, one of the reasons I can't be compared to anyone. Another factor why I won't have problems with getting NBI clearances and legal documents.

So imagine my surprise when I found out that somebody shares my name. Not just the first name but also the second. Only her name goes like my second name is her first and my first name is her second. It's that similar. Somewhere out there, there's a girl named Czarina Kara. How weird is that?!

Oh, as if thats not news enough. At my current office, I found out that someone I know knows ...err...let's all call him "the frenemy". This new friend of mine was a friend of his from college. But they've lost communication with each other now (what a coincidence, so did I).

It's weird to be reminded of him today, and here of all places. I thought there are places where I'd be safe from thinking about...that. But the universe loves proving me wrong today.

We started talking about the frenemy, and without meaning to, I felt bad and started to cry.

It's a good thing the chat on the other window was meant to make me laugh, otherwise, he would've successfully ruined my day with the very mention of his name.

Catalyst

2010-06-09T16:10:00.001+08:00

Everything changes. So it's quite stupid to hate it, huh? But fear it for its possibilities? - Always.

Is it just me? Or does everything change when I step in? This is the third time this has happened to me. And those changes weren't always for the good. That's why big changes scare me.

The status quo is changing. I knew for some time it eventually will. I feel like a jinx. Or maybe I just give myself way too much credit.

If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights

2010-06-08T19:26:00.003+08:00

The West Wing: Josh & Donna

I miss this series and I love this pair.

I Wish You Were a Stranger I Could Disengage

2010-06-07T19:56:00.003+08:00

The biggest risk you can take is on people. Think about it. Forget about where to invest your money, what job offer to take, or where to spend your next holiday vacation. When it comes down to it, the risk you really are taking is a risk on people's choices. Because the circumstances you face depend wholly on a domino effect of people's decisions, whether they are remotely related to you or not.

Simply put, in some direct or indirect way, what people say, do, think, or feel about us affect our environment. And given the different moods, personalities and unpredictability of those around you, you don’t really stand much of a chance to control anything despite your best efforts.

So when you make a move, you take a risk on this universe of people, not knowing who will side with you, who will walk away, and who will throw it all back to your face.

On one hand, it's a sad thought. On the other, does it REALLY matter?

We go out of our way sometimes to burden ourselves with people who don't contribute a single positive thing in our lives. We go through a great deal of trouble to prove something to someone who, at the end of the day, we couldn't care less for. Sometimes, our entire day is filled with scheming for our next move to set ourselves up for people who will forget our names in a few years, months...days!

I let my thoughts wander off about people's opinions and judgments and I drive myself into self-pity and a low(er) self esteem when, thinking about it, WHO are THESE people? And WHY are THEY such a big deal?

One, I feel like detaching myself from the unnecessary people in my life. (1) Unless they bring home the bacon, they don't contribute anything real to my well-being; (2) I'm pretty sure I’m not much of a big deal to them either; and (3) Because if I were stuck in a desert island and had a list of people to be with, they wouldn't even be on that list.

Two, I should detach myself from people's choices. Though they do affect me sometimes, they shouldn't affect me as much as they should. Even those close to me. Especially those close to me. My expectations shouldn't reach higher than what they could achieve for themselves, or would want to. Risking too much on their choices compromise my ability to make my own.

Faith is risk, some say. Eventually, you have to risk something and you have to believe in something as well. I think, for now, to risk something in someone falls in the faith that people will be people. They are bound for one thing: imperfection. They will stop fighting for you when you least expect it, they make bad judgments at a moment of weakness, and they forget promises made when they were happy the moment their moods change. They are as prone to disaster as you and I are. Yes, have faith they will be people, accept them when they fail you, when they don’t understand, when they don’t give a damn, when they forget, and move on with your own choices. You have your own life to live.

Better yet, have faith in a God that sees it all, and who may be making it right even when you’re not looking.

Disengage.

I've Been Thinking 'Bout Somethin' Other Than You

2010-05-21T16:35:00.004+08:00

It's Isaac, Taylor and Zac again, all grown up and still making incredible music.

It's been a while since I've heard something from Hanson. Now, I admit I'm not a total fan. The only songs of theirs on Rory, my ipod, are Penny and Me and Come to You. But this song just made me go whoa! and wow! while beaming like an insane person in my seat. Brilliantly played, sung, and danced to, though the song expresses the typical reaction to a downfall of a relationship, you can't help but smile over it.

From their upcoming album: Shout It Out which drops June 8th 2010, this is the song and video that made my entire week: Thinking 'Bout Somethin'

I can sense something breaking...

2010-05-12T16:39:00.002+08:00

Things don't always stay the same. Somewhere down the road every step challenges your faith, your trust, and your loyalty. What used to be the usual stone you trip on, harmless, becomes an attack on your character and your patience. You'd think you'll be growing together, with all the things you did and had to overcome. But what if you're growing apart instead? The ice gets thinner as you walk further down. Sooner or later, it will break. And after you freeze from the cold, numbness.

"Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision

Well, maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me

You say that I've been changing, that I'm not just simply aging

Yeah, how could that be logical?

Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

You don't have to believe me

But the way I, way I see it

Next time you point a finger

I might have to bend it back

Or break it, break it off

Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror"

- Playing God by Paramore

Reset

2010-05-12T10:53:00.002+08:00

Teach me how to do this again.

There's always today

2010-04-28T10:13:00.001+08:00

I promised I'll blog everyday.

I promised I'll make this work.

I promised this week will be different.

Okay, let's start again.

Shoot Your Gun

2010-03-29T13:05:00.001+08:00

Spin me some sad story
Sell me some excuse
To help me understand the things you do
'cause the way you treat your lovers
Well i just can't relate
Well where'd you learn to shoot your gun so straight?

Oh baby won't you cry?
Show me there are some tears behind your eyes
Oh baby won't you cry?
Show me there's a hurt behind your eyes

Once you had a reason
And once you had a place
You had it all and laid it all to waste
And i know you hate to need us
But why'd you need to hate?
And where'd you learn to shoot without restraint?

Oh baby won't you cry?
You cut yourself so let me see you bleed
Oh baby won't you cry?
Cry for all the things you'll never be

Don't you see your father?
Don't you feel the love?
Don't you see your brother?
Don't you feel the love?
Well could you be a mother
Could you ever find the love?
That you would not place yourself above

Oh baby won't you cry?
Show me there are some tears behind your eyes
Oh baby won't you cry?
Why'd you have to kill to feel alive?
Why'd you have to kill to feel alive?
Why'd you have to kill to feel alive?

Shoot Your Gun - 22-20s

Of being senseless and careless

2010-03-29T12:50:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I really do make sense. I mean, I don't talk much. So on the occasion that I do speak my mind, I wonder if it really matters.

After a while, it feels exhausting to say what you feel at any given moment. There's only so much words that can come out of my mouth and having to explain everything is just so....futile.

I was upset yesterday. Wont bother with the explanations anymore. So I ruined my diet and binged on a burger, fries, apple pie and for the first time, a coke float. Yes, I was THAT upset. Good thing the TV didn't fail me last night as I watched Let's Go Dream Team, K-On, and even good ol' Spongebob squarepants. Sat alone in my room with the AC in full blast. Yeah, yesterday, today, I just don't care.

Should make a habit out of blogging again, that I'm sure of. So from this point forward, I'll try to post something before each day ends, whether they make sense or not. I won't say them out loud, but I may just write them down.

The Bad Guy

2010-03-26T19:35:00.005+08:00

No matter how perfect you try to be, there are people that we would rather not have in our lives, yet they persist to be there, even if they themselves do not want to.

Their presence, or lack thereof, haunts us. They affect what we do and what we cannot. Sometimes, they even hinder the progress we seek for ourselves.

To those people, I think twice before raising an eyebrow or saying a word. A feeling will pass, but what you say or do in anger will have its consequences, and you just might regret the pain you may cause.

Another reason, in the same way that life is difficult for us, life may be equally or far worse to them. To them who do us wrong, who say all the wrong things and give us burdens to carry; they themselves may be battling a situation beyond our capacity to understand or undertake. So revenge would not be as sweet when you suddenly become the bad guy.

So as much as I could handle, I shut up ... but not today.

To be honest, I'd rather have a sad explanation than nothing at all. Knowing there is a problem would be comforting than knowing there is none. I'd rather believe that the worse has happened at this point. Because I can't stand the thought of having to go through this much effort and problems all because of someone who simply does not give a damn.

you and I, we are far worse than strangers... Sometimes, I wish we REALLY were.

stuck in a purgatory on my way to some peace of mind.

2010-03-24T18:17:00.004+08:00

Homeless:

In pursuit of my dream to move out, I went ahead and looked for places to stay in Makati. Man, am I in over my head here? Its so darn hard! There are so many options and things to consider. Furnished, unfurnished, long term, 6-months, monthly, weekly, pool (Yey!), no pool (boo!), 1 BR, condoshare, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!!!! All of those wont matter by the way because the rates are just too expensive! Waaaaah! My dream, so near yet so far :'(

Honesty:

“Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress.”
- Mahatma Gandhi

See, honesty can be a tricky thing. Sometimes its best to just shut up about something. But I feel strongly about being honest when its important. You have to speak up when you need to, otherwise, silence gets misinterpreted and you'll end up with all these assumed notions about stuff that ultimately goes nowhere.

If you can't be honest with your friends, then who can you be honest with? Its easy to complain to others about it; but you just build sides to a fight that could be avoided by simply dealing with your feelings directly with the person involved.

It is difficult to say who do you the most mischief: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best. - Edward Bulwer-Lytton

Honesty does hurt, though. But, if you think about it, how far worse would a lie do.

People are different. Especially friends. Personalities will clash. Feelings will be hurt. But you talk to resolve it. Not ignore the issue and let it simmer inside you. That is a choice you make, not just for yourself but for the people around you as well. Because when you survive dealing with it, big or small, you come out stronger, wiser, and with a deeper appreciation of each other.

Homeless II:

Well, its 6:45 and I should have gone home around 45 minutes ago. Why am I still here? My family left for the Wednesday service at church and did not leave my key for me. Technically, I'm keyless. I want to go home! I don't know where to stay until they get there well over 9pm! :'(

Can't catch a break today. I'm now wondering if I should go window shopping or have a nice dinner out somewhere. But I'm on budget and on a diet. :| Should I follow them at church? That's either death by MRT or death by traffic jam on a cab. And by the time I get there, they'll be on their way home already and I would have wasted my cab money.

Its now 7:06... *cries*